Little Girls

While growing up in Alao, there were often times I dreamed of living and starting my life on my own. I could not wait to leave the house. I loved to daydream about how I wanted to live my life filled with luxury. One of my many dreams was to become a Professional Polynesian Dancer. You see my mother and sisters were dancers during their prime years and its how they were able to pay the bills. It was a family business under the direction of Grandpa Leia and Grandma Nola Mapu's Production. I idolized my cousins Dahni, Rosie and Priscilla who danced most of their lives. Rosie became Pro Poi Ball Dancer from what my Granda Fala told me she learned from Aunt Vena and Aunt Vena had learned from my mom. Rosie's radiates during her stage performance with her deep dimples. I have always loved her beautiful smile. She is most definitely one of a kind. She in many ways remind me of my mom and is such a strong leader. Somehow I didn't grasp that talent. Dahni (my look-a-like) was the most beautiful Polynesian Dancer ever. I often wanted to be her. She is the All time BEST Tahitian Dancer I know of. She must've grasped on that talent from Aunt Ve'a. Sila another Beauty was a tall athlete. I think she had so much potential to become a Super model but I think Sila was to much of a tomboy to even think bout modeling. The stories I'd hear bout the shows. I only remember quite a few such as the shows in Florida, Canada and California.

Because I was one of the youngest girls in the family, most of my time was spent with my boy cousins Gary and Tuau. And since I was the only younger girl at the time they loved to pick on me. I was such a crybaby I would tell on the two. Not so much on Tuau, but on Gary (LOL). I always wanted to know what it felt like to hang with Dahni, Sills and Rosie. Although all I remember was that Rosie and Sila were kind of mean to me. Maybe I deserved it but I adored Dahni. Whoosh... Talk about sidetrack ha ha ha Its my A.D.D. kicking in. Like most young girls we have dreams and aspirations whether it be good or bad. I sometimes never wanted to wake up from my fantasy dreams and when Id wake up I would try to sleep to finish my dreams. I use to play dress up, would sneak off with my mothers heels, find makeup apply it to my face and practice my Tahitian.

My mother danced professionally for a Tahitian Group. I admire her so and her natural beauty but when you're so beautiful and have brains (that's not very common). Somehow she lived life but seemed so unhappy. With that being said my mom can tell you her life story. I spent my life despising her to a certain extent somehow I loved her unconditionally. There I go again Side Track! I'm telling you its a huge Dysfunction. Anyhow I lock my room get the mirror and dance dance dance the day away. I would set up my stereo, get the cassettes and play Tahitian drumming over and over again. At that time I didn't know the names of the beats till much later nor did I know the names of the actual hip movements. I was taught to count the beats. The 8 beats=Pahae (name of drum beat actual movement tamau). 16 beats = Toma hip movement =Fa'arapu etc...Thanks to my mom she taught me well with counting the beats.Tahitian wasn't only my passion but the love for Music and Hip hop Dancing!

Somehow when I was having a rough day, I could play the cassettes, sit and either daydream or dream about "City Life".Each day was a different day for me. My mom was adamant that I stick my head in the books and what I yearned for most was for her "Acceptance". I think because she was so hard on me and was supportive in a weird type of way in a sense where she provided for me financially and had other family members attend any of my performances. I began to feel deeply sorry for myself. Many of times I cried myself to sleep. I felt alone. It was such a bad time of my life (at least I thought so) that I kept myself busy with whatever church, school, village and friend activity that came around. I can honestly tell you how much I hated Home!

If I had a choice I would rather deal with the physical abuse than the verbal abuse. Why? Because the bruises physically heal a lot faster than the wounds verbally. Day by day I built a wall up from my mom. I was never good enough at anything I did. When I gave 100%, she would always find the negative. I really don't think she was doing it intentionally she was just used to perfection and couldn't differentiate between a child and an adult. Having children was most definitely Not in my mother's agenda ( at least that's how it seemed). Or maybe she thought because I was a part of her that I would be her twin. I don't know and I'm not making up any excuses for her and her doings but I do know that people sometimes have to deal with their own demons and sometimes when going through that state they cant distinguish what is normal ( what the world would consider normal). But I do know this, my mom did the best that she could to be a mother unfortunately I got the bitter end of that stick.  Most of my life my self esteem from a scale of 1-10 it was literally a 1, and 0 being the least. I spent my life searching for love and yearning from everyone around me only to find out that true friends are honest no matter what the situation and are loyal and that my mom was there for me 110%. There isn't anything in this world that I wouldn't do for my mom. Somehow the older and wiser I got we managed to patch up our past and have moved forward. I just know that when I have children I will incorporate the good values my parents instilled in me and develop my very own tactics on parenting.

I will always dream this time I dream of missing home and the people that matter. Ive had this urge to go home but I don't think I could stomach the corruption since the island is very small. Most grateful and forever will be to my dad who lived life free, and exercised faith during times of need or for protection . I'm most grateful now that I'm wiser, wider and fat LOL ! But that's the plan of action and that is to attack and go for your passion in life. Think about the possibilities you would have. My very last dream is to do 1 more Tahiti Fete and it looks like I can

I'm falling asleep posting this so till pen meets paper see yalls... on da Grind!

My Carolena!

It all started when I was hanging out with an acquaintance (lol) at church. Since my dad was the 1st counselor to the Branch Presidency of Tulao they had relationships with our President and 2nd counselor. Our Branch President's wife must have really liked me for some odd reason. She was always inviting me to their home and one of her youngest daughters was close in age with me. I think she wanted to help alleviate my pain by bonding with her children. That was a disaster. Pavela Seumanu was her name. She was a spoiled child and very mean. If she didn't like you she would make your life a living hell. I think a lot of her meanness was more jealousy because I was the new breed in town. Most kids were fascinated with my vocabulary and although I hated to hang out with them I was never mean to any of them. I just had a hard time understanding the englosamoan language.

 Some days Pavela was nice to me and other days she was mean. Finally fed up with her stinky attitude I gave her a piece of my mind. She wanted to fight me but never threw the first punch. I remembered vividly (in her backyard of banana trees) she made me fight one of her enemies. The girl was tall but I wasn't afraid to fight. After the first 30 seconds I had the girl in a head lock and punched her in the stomach. I kind of felt bad for her because I had no clue as to why I was fighting this chic. However, after the fight the girl threatened to get her older sister and I wasn't afraid at all. In fact I wanted her to get her sister but the elder siblings got involved and made us squash it. It wasn't really my first fight either. I was used to beating up my cousins when they did something to irritate me. Anyhow I think that was one of the reasons why she didn't dare fight me. 

One Sunday I saw Pavela with her friend Carolena. Annoyed at looking at her I walked passed her to primary. I normally sat on the 2nd row or 1st row and this time Pavela sat with Carol in the row behind me (2nd row). Every time we sat down from singing I could hear whisperings and giggles from the two. It didn't bother me at all. I was happy she was off my back with her demanding attitude. Soon after Primary I made my way back to the chapel for sacrament... Lo and Behold someone tapped me on the shoulders. I looked back and it was Carolena. I wanted to keep on walking but my intuition told me to stop and talk with her. Carol in her mean loud voice asked "Are you Crystal" I responded "yeah what's it to you" She then smiled and said "Hi my name is Carol". In my head I'm finally thinking wow someone that can speak English fluently like me. I felt an instant connection with this young Asian looking girl. As we talked she told me of all of the horrible things Pavela said about me and not to worry. She was my spy and would come and tell me everything. I honestly felt much better that I found a friend who eventually became one of my dearest and most bestest  friend to me. 

We both lead wild lives LOL. I think because of the lack of attention from my mom and her strict rules and regulations in the household made me feel locked up in jail. I felt freedom every time I did something that wasn't according to her standards (although it was gospel standards she didn't see an in between; she saw it for what it was). Carol was a daughter of the Masaniai family from the village of Vatia, and Auasi. Her family had lived in the state of Washington for sometime and felt the need to move home. It could have been for many reasons but usually it meant coming home to be closer with elderly parents. Carol had a beautiful sister Joyce. She had pale skin, long black hair to her gluts and very thin. Carol had straight jet black Chinese hair. Oval Chinese eyes if I could pinpoint a Disney character she would be Mulan. 

The family had owned a store across the Auasi Harbor in which they owned. As we developed our friendship you could often find me at her store. We spent so much time together on the phone, talking about everything and anything, at the harbor swimming, at parties, we were basically inseparable. People always saw the negative of Carol but what I saw with my own eyes was that she was honest, unique, caring, the most loving and protective Carol. She always had control and made great friends. She was never afraid of anybody and no one ever messed with her. I saw her creativeness in business and how she could handle money financially. Somehow, someway Carol had the funds to make things happen. 

One day (sometime in 1994) due to my bleeding disorder anemia.  I am not the normal average young lady with a normal menstrual cycles. I had cycles that could last up to 1 month. Of course the Physicians back home took the easy way out prescribed me Prenatal pills since it had a huge supply of Iron. My red blood cells were normal but did not have enough fe to supply my body with oxygen. Anyways it was a rainy day. I was on the cycle for about 2 weeks.  I signaled Carol over to come sit next to me in the Aiga bus. When she came to I whispered and told her to walk behind me because I felt like I bled through my pants. As I got up she saw that I did and walked behind me. Normally my stop came last since I lived in Alao but I knew that I was too embarrassed to make a scene so I got off in Auasi. I felt the ache, pain, and was sick to my stomach. I couldn't breathe started hyperventilating a little bit but managed to control my breathing. Carol saw how much pain I was going through, made me shower and walked me upstairs to her bedroom for me to lay down and rest. As I slept at her home, she made checks every 1/2 hour on me,and alerted my parents. My love for my friend grew more. I am till this day ever so grateful for our solid friendship. And if it weren't for her I don't know if I would have lived.

One other incident was during our midterm week my sophomore year and Carol's senior year. It was my 2nd class of the morning when I sat down and felt faint. My skin pale white and my stomach had a sharp pain as if a knife stuck in my gut. My English teacher saw that I had turned pale white and was concerned for my safety. As I tried to take my exam she came to me and said that I could leave and that I needed to hurry and get to my dad. I thanked her for her understanding. As I was walking out of the classroom I realized that I was breathing hard and heavy as if I was grasping for air. I went searching for Carol because I had a hard time walking and breathing. My English classroom was not to far from the office and from the office Sipa's Gym (Our hangout spot). There I saw Carol and our friend Scooby ( I forgot his real name) from Fagatogo. Our midterm week was Senior Ditch day and out of all the places my bestie could be she remained close by. I screamed out her name. She was upset that I called out for her until she saw I was having a hard time breathing. Again to my rescue she and Scooby walked me to the Government building across from Sipa's. As we reached the building we were going to take the stairs after the 3rd step I couldn't breathe. I was grasping for air. Carol decided to walk me down the stairs onto the elevator.

We reached our destination the 3rd floor and into the Governor's office we go. As we entered to my father's office, Carol expressed her concerns. I told her not to worry that all I needed was a good day's rest and I will be back on my feet. However, that was not the situation. My dad came into the office and saw that I was on the couch, breathing heavily, my awful discolorment (very pale skin). He said he sensed death in my eyes. I told him not to worry that I had it all under control that I needed to go home and rest. I was upset that he wanted to take me to the hospital and he declined what I wanted and went with his intuition. As we rushed to the Emergency room, the Filipino Physician saw (from the test results) that I had lost a huge volume of blood (due to my 1 1/2 month of menstral cycle). He said had my dad taken me home I would have died in my sleep because of the blood loss. Immediately they infused 2 pints of blood in me. And what I thought I could sleep off at home, I ended up in the hospital for 2 weeks.



Best Friends for Life Carolena and Crystal



If it weren't for my best friend I don't know if I would be alive today. God has Truly Blessed me with a sister that I have always wanted Carolena Te'e Masaniai. To all the good and bad times we had a blast doing it together! I'm indebted to you sis for saving my life! I love you for all eternity!